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The Power of Ugly Words

A friend of mine, a gifted public speaker, recently received a hand-written “fan” letter in the mail.

The letter writer informed my friend that she was a terrible public speaker and that she needed to take a public speaking class.  Now let me interject here:  It is not only my biased opinion as a friend that she is an excellent public speaker.  She has humbly received multitudes of compliments on her speaking abilities and delivery.

Back to the letter…

The letter writer was also “kind” enough to point out very specific things (that weren’t true) that my friend needed to improve on.

The author of the letter chose not to leave a name or a return address.

What the letter writer did leave were words on a page that became imprinted on the mind of my friend (who, by the way, didn’t ask for this person’s opinion.)  My friend found herself going back to what was written and second-guessing her abilities.  The words on that page, from one single person, caused her confidence to fall.

How can the words of one person hold so much power over us?

I know of a woman who was told she was ugly her entire life–by her mother!  This woman would be considered very pretty by most standards, but guess what?  She believes she is ugly.  No matter what anyone else has told her over the years, she believes the UGLY lie her mother fed her.  You can imagine how believing this lie has manifested itself in her life.

Most of us have experienced the sting of an ugly word or statement.  Maybe it was someone telling you to give up a dream of going to college, because you weren’t smart enough.  Maybe it was someone telling you that you don’t deserve something because of something that happened in your past.  Maybe it’s someone telling you you’re fat and so that’s what you see when you look in the mirror.  Maybe it’s someone telling you that the way you talk is weird, so now you withdraw in social settings.

Whether we understand it or not, the words of one single person can have significant power over our lives.

Believing these lies can hold us back from living out our life’s purpose.  It can cause depression.  It can cause suicide.  It can cause us to stumble in places where we should be standing tall.  It can cause us to be less than we are meant to be.

So what can we do about it?

First, a few things for those of us that have been an ugly words target, and then we’ll address those of us that might be ugly word offenders:

Surround yourself with people that lift you up.  Choose friends who believe in you, who encourage you, and who make you a better person.  If you surround yourself with haters or naysayers, you’re gonna suffer the consequences.  Although we can’t choose our families, we can place boundaries on any unhealthy relationship.

Utilize words of affirmation.  When we use words or statements of affirmation, we are asserting that what we’re saying exists or is true.  So, for example, the woman who was told she was ugly by her mother, she might repeat the following to herself multiple times every day, “I am God’s handmade and beautiful creation who is worthy of adoration and love.”  When you utilize words of affirmation, you are filling your mind with good things and blocking out the ugly things that will pop up.  If you haven’t tried using words of affirmation before, give yourself some time.  You probably won’t notice a change in one day, but if you are consistent, you will see a wonderful change over time.

It’s helpful to write your affirming word, sentence, quote, or Bible verse on a piece of paper and post in areas where you will see it often: bathroom mirror, by your kitchen sink, on the fridge, on the dash in your car, etc.

Take the high road.  Don’t spew back ugliness in response to ugliness.  The person hurling ugly words can’t take back what they say and you won’t be able to either.

Seek professional help.  Sometimes the scars are so deep you might need professional help.  Seek out a counselor, pastor, or physician to help you

Take it to God.  I have personally struggled with some pretty tough things for a good bit of my life and it wasn’t until I took it to God a few years ago that I began to see real transformation in my life.  The best thing about this route: there’s no charge, it’s super confidential, and He’s available 24-7!

Be a model of grace.  Your friends, family, co-workers, etc., are watching you.  Always strive to be a good role model.

Now, let’s move along…

Are you an UGLY words offender? 

There are two types of UGLY words offenders.

  1. Those who will read this and call me an ugly name for writing about this. If this is you and you’ve gotten this far in reading this, please keep your mind and your heart open and keep reading.
  2. Those who realize they may have a problem, who oftentimes feel guilty for their behavior, but just don’t know how to stop or fix what they’ve done. Glad you’re here!  I hope these simple suggestions will get you on the road to recovery.

Whether you’re a one-time ugly words offender or you’re a perpetual offender, here are some guidelines for you to consider:

Don’t be afraid to try and repair what you break.  Have you ever seen a beautiful china dish with a crack in it?  The dish didn’t have to be thrown out when it was broken–it was repaired and utilized for its intended purpose–but the crack will still always be visible.  This is the same with people: The scars you’ve caused may still be visible after you say you’re sorry, but you might be able to restore a broken relationship.

Place some boundaries on your tongue.  Do you find it hard to hold back when you have something to say?  Know this: You have the power to reign your own tongue in.  Every time you feel yourself ready to spout off, take 10-20 deep breaths in and out and don’t say what you were going to say.  Just don’t say it at all.  Remember, you can’t take your words back.  If what you need to say is important, then give yourself 24 hours to think about the best way to say it.  Chances are, you will talk yourself out of saying anything if you give yourself a chance to reflect on what you were going to say, how it might affect the recipient.

Utilize words of affirmation.  When you use words or statements of affirmation, you are asserting that what you’re saying exists or is true.  So, if you repeat to yourself throughout the day, “I am loved and I will show love,” over time, you will see a marked change in how you feel about yourself and how you treat others.  When you utilize words of affirmation, you are filling your mind with good things and blocking out the ugly things that will pop up.  If you haven’t tried using words of affirmation before, give yourself some time.  You probably won’t notice a change in one day, but if you are consistent, you will see a wonderful change over time.

It’s helpful to write your affirming word, sentence, quote, or Bible verse on a piece of paper and post in areas where you will see it often: bathroom mirror, by your kitchen sink, on the fridge, on the dash in your car, etc.

Change is possible.  No matter what anyone told you, change is possible and it’s never too late to begin that change.

So, whether you’ve doled out the stinging words or you’ve received those words, today is a new day and the perfect day to start the restoration process.

I am guessing most of you reading this are adults.  Would you please share this post with the younger people in your life?  There is a serious bullying epidemic among our young people, and it will only get better when we talk about it and bring it out into the light.  Click here to watch an awesome anti-bullying message created by a 14-year-old teen from Texas.

As always, I appreciate you spending time with me here.

Have a great rest of your day!

Jill xx

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The Benefits of Being a Good Neighbor

We live in a day in which it’s not uncommon to talk on our cell phones as we walk out to get our mail, avoiding eye contact with the lady walking her dog.  A day in which our schedules are so packed we don’t allow for time to sit on our front porches and visit with our neighbors.  A day in which, if asked, we might not know our next door neighbor’s name.

I believe that, now more than ever, it’s important that we are intentional in building and strengthening the relationships with our neighbors.  A strong community benefits us, the individual, the community (our neighbors), and ultimately, society as a whole.

So, what’s the key to being a good neighbor?

I live in an AWESOME neighborhood!  If there were a most congenial and fun neighborhood award, our neighborhood would most likely win it.

Although our neighborhood isn’t perfect, I’ve learned some valuable lessons from my neighbors, a whole cast of characters, on the importance of being neighborly and what that looks like.

The following suggestions may seem obvious, but sometimes the most obvious are the most overlooked.

Trade contact info.  If you don’t have your neighbors’ phone number and email address, then make it a point to trade that information with one another.  Whether you are out of town and need to call on a favor, or you need to let your neighbor know that their dog has busted out of their fence, it’s important to be able to keep in touch.

Our neighborhood has a Google Group email list that is utilized to share news regarding unruly bears, car break-ins, annual picnic or cookie exchange information, etc.  Click here to find out how to set up one for your neighborhood.

Be direct in your hopes and expectations.  My husband and I have an agreement with our neighbors that if our dogs are barking incessantly when we’re not home, that they’ll give us a call so we can remedy the situation.  Maybe your neighbor is gifted in drum playing at 2 a.m. and it’s keeping you up.  Find a way to initiate a friendly conversation to see if there is a way for them to be able to practice and for you to get some sleep.

Be nice.  You may not be best friends with all your neighbors, you may not even like them all.  That’s ok, just smile, say hello or wave when your neighbors pass by.

Show support in good times and bad.  Support comes in all shapes and sizes.  Whether it be through the emotional support through the loss of loved ones, the sharing of wisdom with someone going through financial difficulties, monetarily supporting the neighborhood girl scout’s endeavors, or celebrating the success of a neighbor’s business venture, there are a variety of ways to build and strengthen your community bonds.

Love the unlovable.  Do you have a curmudgeon in your neighborhood?  You know, the one that grumbles and frowns every time you see them.  They’ve probably even called the city on you for leaving your garbage can out for more than one day.

Oftentimes, these type of people are dealing with pain or loneliness that manifests itself into ugly behavior.  One of Jesus’ greatest commandments was to “love our neighbors as ourselves.”  LOVE is a powerful thing.  Try this: next time they grumble, show them love.  Ask them to stop by for a cup of coffee or ask them if they would like to join your bookclub.  If you can figure out a way to cut through their harsh exterior, you will probably find a scarred heart that could use some love balm.

If you haven’t seen the movie St. Vincent, with Bill Murray and Melissa McCarthy, go see it.  It’s great!  It’s about a single mom and her son that move next door to a real curmudgeon.  A surprising and beautiful story of love and redemption unfolds.  (Have your hanky handy for this one!)

Take it out back.  Chuck Brodsky wrote a song called Take it Out Back and the chorus goes like this: “Take it out back…and keep the front yard looking good.”  Plain and simple, don’t make your neighbors have to look at your mess each time they pass your house.  Clean it up and take it out back (or in the basement).  The lyrics are metaphorical in nature as well…meaning don’t air out all your dirty laundry for all your neighbors to see.  Be sensitive to what should be kept private—“out back.”

Watch each other’s back.  If you see someone trying to get into your neighbor’s car or heading around the back of their house with a duffel bag, call the police.  This is also a good time to utilize the phone numbers you traded by giving your neighbors a heads up on what’s taking place.  Maybe the guy turns out to be an innocent “duffel bag salesman,” but it’s better to be safe than sorry.  Our neighborhood uses the Google Group email list to alert each other of these type of shenanigans.  You might want to start an official Neighborhood Watch program as well.  Click here for a checklist from the National Crime Prevention Council on how to start a program in your community.

Lend a helping hand.  If you know someone recently had surgery, offer to bring in their newspaper each morning for a few weeks or cook them a meal.  Maybe you notice a single parent who appears to be completely overwhelmed–an offer to watch the kids while he or she enjoys some free time or runs errands untethered may be just what they need to fill their parental energy tank.  When it snows, send your kids out for some fresh air and to shovel your neighbors’ driveways.

Pay special attention to the elderly, especially those widowed or alone.  My 85-year old widowed stepdad was recently found unconscious and unresponsive in his home by his daughter who hadn’t been able to reach him for a couple days.  He is currently in the hospital recovering, but this type of thing happens every day.  When we develop relationships with our neighbors (some who don’t have family in the area), we might be the one who is there to help in a great time of need.  They say it takes a village to raise a child…we could say the same for some of our elders.

As I write this, it is 28 degrees with snow on the ground.  If it is extra cold or hot for extended periods of time, don’t forget to check on your elderly neighbors…they may need you.

Have fun with your neighbors!  Host a game or movie night.  Start a book club.  Organize an annual summer picnic.  Walk your dogs together.  This is your community!  Enjoy one another!

Tell me about your neighborhood.  Do you have tips to share that would help unite and strengthen the bonds of our neighborhoods?  Please share in the comment section below.

Don’t have a strong neighborhood?  This is your chance to turn that around.  Organize a neighborhood meeting and use this post to get ideas for your neighborhood flowing.

Have a great day!

Jill xx

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Learn the Best Way to Show Your Love

Today’s post is critically important!

I’m posting this on Valentine’s Day because it’s the big LOVE day of the year.  For many, this is a day set aside to shower your special love with romance, so this post will definitely help you, but this post is really intended to help anyone that loves someone and that has someone that loves them.  I hope that includes all of us.

The ideas shared here today will transform the relationships with those you love—spouses, friends, children, parents, siblings, co-workers, neighbors, roommates, etc.

Ok, think of someone you love…anyone from the list above.  How do you show them you love them? Hugs? Kind words? Gifts?

In general, most of us show our love, depending on the nature of the relationship, in a certain way.  If you’re a hugger, everyone you love is gonna get a hug, right?

Now think about what makes you feel most loved by others.  Hugs? Kind words? Gifts? Time spent together?

Do you realize that how you give and receive love can be different?  You may be a hugger, but when someone gives you a small thoughtful gift, you are over the moon.  This doesn’t mean you don’t love receiving a hug, it just means that there is a more direct, meaningful way in which you are designed to receive love.

Can you see how important it is to discover how those you love best experience and receive love?  You may think you know, but don’t leave that to chance.  I have been wrong on several occasions.

Lucky for us, author Gary Chapman wrote a book called, The Five Love Languages.  In his book, he explains the five “love languages” and teaches us how to express love in our loved one’s language.

Here’s how he breaks the five different languages down:

5 Love LanguagesYou really should get a copy of Dr. Chapman’s book, but here are some insights from me on the five different languages.

Words of Affirmation: “You are so awesome!” “You really look great today!” “I love the way you teach our kids to be kind.” “You are THE BEST cook in the world!”  “You are such a good friend, I’m so glad to know you.” You get where I’m going with this–A simple word of appreciation or praise can go a looooooong way.

Acts of Service:  “Let me help you take those groceries in.”  “Honey, I’m gonna take your car to get the oil changed.”  “Let me pick up your dry cleaning.”  “Son/Daughter, let me help you pick up your room today.”  Hint: You don’t have to tell your loved one what you’re gonna do–surprise them with an act of service: unload the dishwasher, pick up the house, mow the lawn, run an errand for them, clean up their mess without complaint.

Receiving Gifts:  This doesn’t need much explaining—shower your loved one with presents!  It doesn’t have to be big or expensive (well, maybe for some it may be!), you can make something too.  The main idea here is to be thoughtful with your gift.  If someone loves flowers, that may be your go-to gift.  Someone else may appreciate a hand-made card.

Quality Time:  The operative word here is quality.  Spend time together.  That means, put your phone down and give your undivided attention to your loved one.

This is my husband’s love language and it took me forever to figure it out, but one day we spent a big chunk of time in the garden planting and weeding.  Time in the garden for him is heaven, time in the garden, especially weeding, is not exactly my dream afternoon.  I was holding my tongue from complaining–my back hurt, the dang gnats where bugging me, and it was hot!!  Boy, was I glad I kept my mouth shut, because at the end of our gardening time, he told me that our time in the garden was one of the best days he’d had with me.  That was the day I learned his love language: quality time.  It may seem like this was an act of service, but for him, it was just about spending time together, whether we were chatting while pulling weeds or just being in the same space together silently.  I’m going to make up a new love language for him called “Productive Quality Time!”

Physical Touch:  Depending on who the loved one is, this can obviously be different.  With your spouse, this may be intimate touch, but it can also just be holding hands, or putting your arm around their shoulder.  For your child, this could be rubbing their head while you’re watching tv together.  For a friend, this could be a hug or just a touch to their arm when you’re talking to them.

Remember the point here is to speak the language of your loved one…not your own. 

Reread that last sentence—it’s really important.

Many of us will fall back into showing love the way we like to receive love.  Our intentions are good, but when we do this, we are actually spinning our wheels and minimizing the effect of our efforts.

What’s your love language?  Does one of the five jump right out at you?  Not sure?  Take this quick online quiz (click on the area where it says “Discover your love language.”)

Send this post to your loved ones, so they can take the quiz too.  If you are a parent of a younger child, the quiz I linked to will allow you to take the quiz for your child to figure out their language (note: their language will probably change as they get older.)

I really recommend you pick up a copy of the book because it’s a fun read and really dives into what we’ve talked about here.

If you’ve already read the book, today is your chance to revisit this crucial “formula” to building and strengthening the relationships with those you love the most.

Have a wonderful day filled with your kind of love!

Jill xx

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Why you should act more like a child.

Yep, that’s me skipping down a wooded lane!  I’ll explain later…

Have you ever sat and watched children playing at a playground?  It’s been a while for me, but if I stop to remember, I can vividly hear the sound of feet running from place to place, the sound of joyful voices calling out to one another, and the ringing of laughter echoing across the park.

In an instant those sounds become hushed tones of excitement–the children, with their ever-curious minds, discover a colorful, fuzzy, multi-legged creature and enter into detailed discussion on how best to build a new home for him.  It doesn’t take long to formulate a plan…off they go with the unsuspecting creature in tow!

Ok, now imagine this same playground scene, but instead of kids running around, the park is filled with adults running and playing.  Ever driven by a park and seen that happen?  I haven’t.

Why is it that at some point, we as adults, turn a corner and the childlike wonder and enthusiasm we once had dissipates or disappears entirely?

I’m thinking we might want to take ourselves a little less seriously so we can experience the joy and freedom that comes with acting more like a child and less like an adult.

Take a look at the “childlike” qualities I have listed below and consider how adding a few into your adult-life repertoire will enrich your life:

Live in the moment.  Put the past behind you and don’t worry about the future.  We are adults after all, so I’m not suggesting you shirk all responsibilities, but practicing being present in the moment will greatly benefit your physical, emotional and spiritual well-being.

Be curious.  Never stop asking questions.  Never stop learning.  If you think you have everything figured out, think again!

Laugh a little louder and longer.  Laughing is good for your soul.  Don’t stifle it!

Skip instead of walking.  I am a huge fan of skipping…yes, that’s me skipping in the picture above.   Sometimes, when I take the dogs out for a walk and when I think no one is looking, I’ll skip along for a block or so.  Talk about aerobic exercise!  Try it…it’s an awesome workout—it can burn up to 900 calories per hour.  It’s also a mood booster–just try to skip and not smile.  I know the neighbors might think you’re a kook, but If you’re thinking like a kid, who cares.
  
Trust a little easier.  Have you built up a wall of distrust based on past experiences?  That wall can rightly be a valid means of protection and self-preservation, but don’t allow that wall to block you from forming trust in all relationships.  Trust is the foundation in which we build strong relationships and bonds.  Try giving someone the benefit of the doubt…you just might be pleasantly surprised.

Play on the playground.  The next time you see a playground, get out there and play.  Get on that swing, pump your legs, and swing high.  Climb up the play structure and take a ride down the slide.  If you’ve got kids, don’t sit on the sidelines—get in there and play around with them.

Speak from your heart.  As adults, we create filters and if/then scenarios that can hinder authentic expression of our emotions.  Now, don’t get me wrong, filters can be a good thing, but sometimes just saying what you mean is the best way to go.

Play hand clapping games.  Remember “Say, say, oh playmate. Come out and play with me!”?  I have found that kids have a little more coordination with hand clapping games, so this exercise always provides lots of laughter!  My teenage son, who is always down for a good laugh, and I often try to set and break “clapping round” records.  Need a reminder of how to do or words to some of the songs?  Click here for some inspiration.

Slurp your spaghetti noodles.  I know there are some etiquette people out there cringing, but trust me, slurping spaghetti is liberating!  Just do your slurping at home!

Have sleepovers with one of your besties and talk until the wee hours of the night.

Cook like a kid.  Make pancakes in the shape of a snowman, a bunny, or a lizard.  Make a sandwich and cut it out in the shape of a heart or a star. 
Paint with your fingers.  Yes, finger painting is messy, but painting with your fingers takes away any rigid “art rules” or creative boundaries that you may impose on yourself.  Click here to see some REALLY AMAZING art in which the artist, Iris Scott, only uses her fingertips.

Wear a tutu over your jeans.  Seriously, I don’t think this awesome look should just be reserved for cute little girls.  If you wear a tutu, you are bound to bust out a little twirl or dancer’s leap, which is never a bad thing.

Wear a superhero shirt and remember what it feels like to believe in your “power”.

Get a coloring book and a fresh pack of crayons and color to your heart’s delight.  I used to LOVE to color.  Why would I have chosen to give that up?  I remember when my mom retired, she got a really fancy coloring book and would use colored pencils to color.  Here are some really cool coloring books like the one she had.  You can also pick up a variety of fun coloring books at the supermarket or dollar store for less than a dollar.

Take a mid-day nap.  Enough said.

Life is filled with lots of moments that require us to act like serious adults, so embrace the moments when you can let your hair down and act like a kid!

If you follow my lead and try out a few of the ideas above and hear someone say, “Don’t be so childish!” or “Act your age!”, just smile and encourage them to try it out for themselves.

I hope your day is filled with childlike joy, enthusiasm, and belly laughter!

Don’t miss a post! Sign up to receive these blog posts in your inbox every Saturday.

Jill xx

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