How to Stop Your Negative Self-Talk From Bullying You

Let me ask you a question. If someone walked up to your kid, your best-friend, or your mama, would you allow them to shout insults in their face?

“HEY! YOU MAY AS WELL QUIT! YOU DON’T HAVE A CHANCE! YOU’RE GOING TO FAIL ANYWAY!!”

I hope your answer is NO WAY! We would never allow this bullying behavior to continue, would we?

If that’s the case, why do you and I allow ourselves to talk to ourselves in that way?

Maybe when it happens in your head it doesn’t sound that aggressive. Your internal negative self-talk voice may have more of a calm, condescending tone to it. “Darlin’, you go right ahead and try to get that promotion at work. They won’t laugh in your face, it will be behind closed doors.” (Imagine this one with a sweet southern accent. This is how I’m guessing some of my southern sisters hear the bully in their head.)

Clinical Psychologist, Dr. Alice Domar tells us,”We have about 50,000 thoughts a day most of which are automatic. Our internal self-talk will be a mixture of positive, negative and neutral thoughts.”

It’s when we allow the negative thoughts to outweigh the others that we have a problem.

As Dr. Domar said above, we all have negative thoughts, so chances are we won’t be eradicating those thoughts completely. We CAN, however, limit the amount of negative self-talk that pervades the inner-sanctum of our minds.

Let’s take a look at the physical and emotional impact that occurs when we allow our negative self-talk to take over, followed by ways to overcome or override these effects.

Negative Self-Talk:

Intimidates us.
Makes us believe lies about ourselves.
Causes anxiety and stress.
Causes avoidance and procrastination.
Sabotages positive activity in our lives.

Ways to Overcome Negative Self-Talk:

Awareness:
As negative thoughts enter your head, realize that they are just that – THOUGHTS, not truth.

The more you are aware of a habit, the easier it is to make a positive change.

Judge “The Voice”:
Some negative thoughts may be there to protect us. “Don’t you dare go out with those friends tonight, you know you don’t have the power to turn down that drink.” For a struggling addict, the “you don’t have the power” statement here may be true.

In another example, let’s say that same addict is hearing, “Don’t you go to that AA meeting, you don’t have the power to follow through with those 12-steps.” It’s time to dismiss this voice and it’s “counsel” for the troublemaker that it is.

Fill Your Brain With Positive Thoughts:
When we fill our minds with positive affirmations, our realities WILL change. Every single one of us, yes, EVERY single one of us has positive character traits and attributes and true words of encouragement that we deserve to tell ourselves.

A friend of mine is in the process of writing a book about her journey with Leukemia. She writes the following about the four most impactful words – I CAN DO THIS – she repeatedly told herself during the year and a half following her diagnosis of Leukemia, “After my initial diagnosis which was followed by my first round of chemo, that afternoon, I can remember saying it a few times. I can do this. After that it was like a roller-coaster, with the number of times a day I said it, depending on, of course, where I was in my treatment. During the months leading up to my transplant and while undergoing chemo to keep my cancer in remission, I probably said it four or fives times a day. After my transplant and while living in the hospital for six weeks it was more like 20 times day. Being released to my temporary housing in Seattle Washington where I had moved to undergo the bone marrow transplant, that was a different story. I can do this, was something I told myself at the very least, 20 times a day. On my very worst days it was closer to 50.”

I am certain those four words, “I can do this,” helped sustain Mari’s life.

Shed Light on Your Negative Thoughts:
When negative thoughts are kept “in the dark,” they have a tendency to stick around taunting us, growing in size and volume.

Try “outing” these thoughts by telling a family member, friend or a counselor. Good things happen when we bring negative thoughts into the light. First of all, your friend is going to tell you how silly the thought is and provide encouragement. Secondly, most scary or bad things in the dark, appear much smaller and more manageable in the light. This makes it much easier to deal with.

I encourage you to come up with 1 or 2 positive thoughts, right now, that you can speak to yourself at any time of any day. Write these down and place them in spots where you will see them regularly (bathroom mirror, kitchen sink, car dashboard). If you care to share, please write your positive thought(s) in the comment section below. Here’s mine: “I have value to add to the world through the words I write in my blog. There is someone out there that needs to read my words to encourage their heart today.” (My negative voice has been “encouraging” me to stop writing, because I don’t have any real value to add.)

Have a great day! I appreciate you taking time to spend a few minutes with me today.

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Jill xo