How to Stop Hurting The People You Love The Most

Have you noticed how we have a tendency to lash out or act ugly with those we love the most?  From the use of a condescending tone to being unreasonably impatient, it seems the closer we are, the worse our conduct can be.  Then we turn around and use our best manners with perfect strangers!

I’ve been guilty of this type of poor behavior and I’ve witnessed others doing it too.  Why is it that we allow ourselves to do this to our most precious relationships??

The reason I bring this topic up today is because I believe if we purposely pay attention to how we treat others, especially those closest to us, and take steps to improve our interactions, our relationships will flourish and we will be happier people.

The good/bad news is there’s always room for improvement.  If you’re reading this and think that there is not one thing you could do to improve your interactions with your loved ones, think again.

Since it can sometimes be hard to take an objective look at our own behaviors, I’ve found that it’s helpful to observe others around us and learn from their interpersonal interactions.

Whether you’re at the grocery store, a dinner party, a sporting event, at church, or at a family gathering, watch how others interact with their spouses, kids, friends, siblings, parents.  Do they exhibit kindness, respect, and patience, or rudeness, disrespect, and shortness?  I think you’ll find there are some common misbehaviors among people.  Take note of these and spend some time in honest self-examination–ask yourself if you’re guilty of any of the negative behaviors you witnessed.

Once you’ve figured out where you might be able to make some improvements, there are two important steps to take.

STEP 1:  Change your behavior.  You’ve already overcome the biggest hurtle—identifying the problem and admitting the need for change.

You can get to work on this step immediately.  The next step, however, may take some time, but is critical to your long-term success.

STEP 2:  Get to the root cause of why you fell into the bad behavior in the first place.  Invariably, when people behave poorly there’s something going on “behind-the-scenes” that needs to be dealt with.

Let’s take a look at some of those root causes here:

Three Root Causes of Poor Behavior:

Unfulfilled.  We live in an age of comparison where it’s easy to get caught up in coveting the “amazing” lives of others that are constantly displayed all over the internet.

When we’re not content with our own lives, we have a tendency to drag others down with us.  Unfortunately, our loved ones are usually the closest thing to grab on to on our way down.

Resentful.  Resentment occurs when we feel disrespected, mistreated, not understood, or not listened to.  It can stem from being hurt by someone or from our own mismanaged expectations of others.  If you don’t let go of resentment, it will ruin any chance you have of true happiness.  You’ve probably heard this quote, but it really hits the nail on the head of this issue: “Resentment is like taking poison and waiting for the other person to die.”

Undefined Boundaries.  Adults can be vulnerable to a “rule-less” life and misbehave just like a child whose parents don’t provide boundaries for acceptable behavior.  Reasonable boundaries make people–young and old–feel safe.  If you weren’t brought up in an environment with reasonable boundaries, you’re going to have to learn some in order to experience success in your relationships.

Think about it this way…relationships are a two-way street and your responsibility is to keep your side of the street in good shape.  When you notice a pot-hole, you’ll want to fix it, but it’s also a good idea to figure out the reason for the weakness in that area in order to ward off future problems.

I appreciate you spending time with me today!

Jill xx